It's official.

I'm fat. Just look at my progress page and you'll think the same thing. 46.2kg or 102lb does not sit well on a 5'4 girl at all. Whenever someone hears my weight it's always the same thing 'Oh you're so skinny, you don't need to lose weight!' But if only they knew what it was really like. It's awful. I have a baby bump. When I wear clothing it looks like I'm pregnant, honestly. Who would find that attractive at all? Certainly not me, that's for sure.

I managed to put on 2kg or 4.4lb in two days. Who the fuck does that?! Honestly. My mother said it was 'water weight' and it'll go away in the next day or two. Well newsflash mother: it hasn't. Ugh. I hate my body.

Yesterday I posted a food diary and I spoke about the pavlova slice that had been left for us at the house. Well, I caved and had some along with a giant cup of hot chocolate which equalled about 90 calories all up. Awful. When I picked up the slice I knew I shouldn't have eaten it because it felt so heavy in my hand. I thought pavlova was supposed to be LIGHT. Not this sucker obviously >.< I was going to put it down but my mum's friend saw me pick it up so I had to eat it. Ugh. I ended up cutting the slice in half though and then took the smallest half, so it can't be that bad...Right? I don't know how many calories were in it and I'm kind of freaking out. Even in normal circumstances pavlova isn't the most healthy thing >.< No more pavlova.

The evil pavlova >.<

So today I had to weigh in to see if I gained, maintained or lost. Obviously I was hoping to lose weight but in the back on my mind I knew it wasn't possible too. I was right, I've maintained. 46.2kg/102lb. That's what I woke up to. A mass of fat. But really, I suppose it's better than gaining and I could have done that so easily too. So in a small way, I'm grateful that I maintained. Thank you food gods.

Now I have a plan for today and with a little bit of luck I shall be seeing 45kg {ish} tomorrow! What's my master plan? Simple: only eat fruit or vegetables and drink water. I do love coffee though so once I've had one bottle of water I can have a cup of coffee but not before that bottle is empty. So that's my diet plan for today. Exercise wise I think I'm just going on the treadmill for 30-60 minutes, do some jumping jacks, do some cleaning and then I'm planning on doing 250 sit ups, some leg lifts, planks and wall sits tonight. Hopefully I'll actually have the motivation to do all of that today. Since I've written it down I kind of feel like I have to do it otherwise I'm a failure. I WILL DO IT. Believe me. I will not be a failure. That isn't an option anymore.

I'll be back later tonight to update you on my day, the food diary and whether or not I followed my exercise plan today. Stay strong lovelies <3